Liberty Media (LIBM - trading up 2.2 points) has unveiled a new strategy for F1, to prevent utter borefests like the Silverstone Grand Prix, which was only rescued by an exploding tyre on car 44, also known colloquially as a "I told you so, Bono". It promises in future to install micro grenades all Pirellis, of which a random one will explode every time Martin Brundle whips out one of his Brundle Bingo catchphrases. Liberty Media (LIMB - now trading down 2 and half cents in the Ugandan Florin), apologised profusely to its newly acquired fans for the complete snoozefest. Not even *SHOUTING SO HARD THE DISTORTION BLEW UP THE SKY COFFEE MAKER*, or completely over the top theme music, could keep a typical 3 second attention spanned amoeba engaged.
Such was the mind numbing tedium, of waiting for the front two cars to go wheel to wheel with chainsaws and rusty shanks to the expected tones of commentators shouting *LOUDLY*, bored out of their skull fans were perilously close to observing one of the plethora of motorsport versions of UFC fights going on throughout the field lap after lap. Their action starved craniums were only saved by something "noteworthy" happening, when the tyres remembered they were Pirellis - and at Silverstone. Liberty Media (LIBIMDO - up 4.h5 Pfenigs on the Brent Crude Spread Hedge Yield), therefore hope a tyre exploding every lap, for every race (with 52-53 races slated per year by next Wednesday) will keep hordes of dis-interested merch wearing instagrams half interested for as long as it takes to watch another 73 pointless sodding Alfa Romeo adverts.
"But what happens when people get used to lead changing 56 times a lap and 30 cars out of 20 crossing the finishing line within a pico-second... won't the fans get bored of that too?", we asked. "Ah balls.... yeah we hadn't thought of that. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.", said a spokesperson for Liberty Media (MIB-L - down 4 martian Pesos on the what-does-any-of-this-garbage-mean-anyway-and-how-does-it-help-the-sport stock exchange).